Thrills and Spills. Anyone for Coffee?

As one would expect, sometimes sticking coffee up your ass can be a messy business…though at least I don’t attempt to stand on my head during the act, or bounce on a rebounder as one lady I know did. With dire results. Apparently. Aside from that, the pros for engaging with coffee in this manner far outweigh the cons, as anyone who has stepped out of the comfort zone either for health reasons or medical play can testify to, though I have never known anyone do coffee for medical play. It is quite incredible though, you can be feeling headachey and toxic and sluggish and ill and POW, 30 minutes later reborn, calm and alert.

In case you are wondering I am referring to the practise of Coffee enemas.

The British have got a ‘serious attitude thing’ going on for most things anal. I remember as a young one being told ‘that’s what those French people do’ regarding putting things up bums, regardless of the fact that those things were medicinal. This prejudiced utterance was usually in the same breath as ‘and eat loads of garlic and snails’ and delivered with time honoured disdain worthy of an enduring rural francophobia  –  a natural conclusion of William the Firsts’ Conquerence and the imposition of French language and sartorial fashion mores. (The New Forest yokels suffered more than most with those Beaulieus and Dibden Purlieus). And let’s not mention the Burghers of Calais. Though that is nothing to do with the New Forest.

Yes the implied slur of using suppositories like vitamin pills, carried a potent cultural meme….sotto voce and sous entendus  ‘those frenchies with their loose morals, liberally applied aftershave (to mask the garlic and sex smells) and cavalier attitude to sexual orifices, quelle audacity!

Many lifetimes ago as a young one I lived with my French boyfriend for 5 years, and he informed me that as kids, the slightest hint of a cold and it would be a health suppository up the jaxsie as a matter of course. This same partners’ mother, on our first introduction, at hers for Christmas gave me, what I considered at the time in my prudish uptight British way, a very risque and totally inappropriate ‘all in one’ teddy as a gift. I was mortified. And affronted. And then I realised it was actually for her son’s benefit and not mine, consolidating my prejudices of  scary French prurience. Anyway I digress nostalgic for a time of innocence lost in the mists of um time.

Enemas and general orifice cleansing as health modalities have been practised cross culturally for as long as recorded history. And still flourish today in mainland European naturopathy, Ayurvedic Medicine and Khamitic Nubian traditions  -which became the foundations of modern Greek medicine.

But why Coffee?

I mean we all know it’s a powerful emetic, and who hasn’t used the combination of a coffee and/or a cigarette at some point in their lives first thing in the morning to aid evacuation? And why put something up your bum that you can drink? (I wonder what the guy I used to know who tried Special Brew enemas back in the day would say to that.)

From my Guinea-pig academic research the interesting thing about coffee is that it removes circulating toxins by stimulating the enzyme system in the liver called glutathione-S-transferase. Coffee increases this enzyme production by 600-700% above normal. This is the reason why people get a buzz off coffee apparently, and why it can clear the head instantaneously. When you do a coffee enema you put the coffee up you and then try to hold it in for ten to fifteen minutes or so. The blood in the body gets  filtered through the liver every 3 minutes*, so that’s  up to 5 times of enzyme action to help the blood get rid of metabolite toxins and free radicals.

Additionally the caffeine in coffee produces physiological effects. Among these are the dilation of blood vessels and bile ducts, the relaxation of smooth muscles, and the increase of bile flow. To recap then:

 Enzymes Glutathione -S-Transferase converts the toxic matters  into bile solutets which is carried in the bile, bile flow is stimulated and the bile is flushed out of the gallbladder and the liver, and into the duodenum. Then “peristalsis carries them through the small intestine, through the colon and out the rectum. That is effective dialysis. The coffee enema is the only pharmaceutically effective choleretic in the medical literature that is repeatable many times daily; choleretic, like diuretic. Diuretics cause urination. Choloretics cause bile flow.”


Unfortunately we cannot safely ingest the amount of drank coffee needed to produce this affect. Max Gerson had his cancer patients safely doing 2 coffee enemas a day. Yet Coffee can still have a mysterious placebo affect on us.

Sometimes I breeze past a coffee shop, or catch a whiff of the freshly ground stuff and like Pavlov’s dog I am mentally transported to the inner sanctum of my cleansing chamber (that’s a common toilet to you). Sometime’s I catch a whiff of coffee, and its actually from the pores of my skin, or from my head. And I only do two a week or so. Imagine.

From Coffee to  Tobacco, another medicinal herb, I still find it incredible – the paradoxes in these things. That something potentially so harmful if used with knowledge and consideration can be a potent ally for healing and a powerful medicine.

I would just like to add that using Coffee as an enema is a cancer protocol, as people dealing with cancer not only have the normal cell detritus that the body has to deal with/ cleanse itself of, but dead cancer cells as well, which puts a strain on the body. People without cancer wanting to experience the health benefits of enemas would get equally good results from water or chamomile tea.

2 comments on “Thrills and Spills. Anyone for Coffee?

  1. Ok, I saw you just before so none of this was surprising… until I got to the Special Brew enema. Lovely to see you the other day! xxxx

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