Happy Spring, Happy International Women’s Day and Happy Wakanda watching.
As most of you know from my previous post, I had the Lurge (yes with a capital L). The lurge that has left almost no – one I know unscathed this year. That is the flu bug for those of you who aren’t familiar with the lurge.
I then had suspected pneumonia.
Once it was kinda official there were pneumotic cells in my right lung I realised that actually yes I was really rather ill and to take the hardcore antibiotics and steroids. Along with probiotics. It was amazing. I felt so much better, like really incredible. And the pneumotic cells did not develop into full blown pneumonia I am glad to say.
Here is the thing. Last week I had an amazing day, the kind of day I really haven’t had for years.. where I was just out and about having meetings, doing stuff, vibing, getting excited, having the fire for some creative ventures… and it didn’t feel exhausting.
The next day I found out about an amazing eco conference that I wanted to go to in London.
I really got into the idea of going. The next morning I texted a friend who was there, as I couldn’t find any access details online. For a few hours there was the possibility of going, and I felt excited, ready, yes ready for anything, and dynamic. And then it became clear that it was an insider thing and would be a sneak in and reuse an arm band job.
Even though it still could have been very possible and I had a friend there also attending who would try and help the moment I let the thought seed that it was not accessible to me, and I did not legitimately belong there everything deflated.
It was so energetically intense.
Now sometimes she who dares wins! I have seen friends and loved ones just sail through things that are seemingly impossible, or make the impossible happen, one particular rat friend companion managed to get on the red carpet at Cannes film festival one year, through cheek, audacity, belief in that possibility. I myself am no stranger to belief in possibility. It has been my body song for 14 years.
Yet the fact that access to this amazing conference wasn’t a given and would require a little more work, more inventiveness, more effort defeated me. And I couldn’t blame my health as I had energy or spoons. This was something else. And it struck me as I watched and felt the energetic change in my body and a grey veil of despair envelope me that this feeling is my default. My hidden unseen default a default that I didn’t know was my default. That I don’t belong or am not entitled to belong, to attend, to be there, so there is no point. And the moment I became aware of that feeling in my body and energy, and managed to identify it I realised that it was a slumping hopeless grey sticky trap.
This is how the hidden chains operate. The unseen coding of privilege that shapes our cultural understanding. The ways we limit ourselves and police ourselves through mainly subconscious belief patterns about class, race, gender sexuality but also about hierarchical positioning in other ways. I am not saying that this type of recognition cancels out the need for structural and institutional change. That change also needs to happen, but the inner work is as important as the outer work. This is also why the Black Panther film is such an important cultural landmark, planting seeds of action, self worth and pride for many and having the potential to melt so many of these invisible chains and create energetic change.
I am sure the idea of seeing possibility as an open door, a door that is an invitation to something exciting is familiar to many people. When everything feels like it starts vibrating in the body and the air around you with potential and joyful open expansion, and then the door somehow shuts. Sometimes the door shuts through overwhelm, sometimes through something not quite going to plan, sometimes through adverse circumstance or even sometimes a little sabotaging inner voice whispering stories of worthlessness. The shut door can rapidly translate into a heavy rigid constriction of energy and a sense of hopelessness.
I felt this profound shift back to my default, that I hadn’t identified as my default and then wondered what would happen if I “rewind selector” and imagined the time before when I was excited to go. And lo I started running that amazing energy again.
To realise that this can be done is profound and empowering. I mean I have listened to Abraham Hicks and others for years, and read extensively. Am familiar with the concept of uplifting yourself and your emotional state. Have changed emotional states to cope with pretty hardcore physical challenges. I just had never realised before that this horrible grey hopeless feeling was lurking underneath everything, hidden and embedded. A default that you would not choose to reset to factory setting. Choosing to surface at any given moment but always there like a river of hopelessness. Maybe I always suspected even knew it was there but wan’t ready to take it on.
And this is one of the keys to fulfilling personal empowerment. It is a skill to develop the sensitivity to both be able to identify the moment of this sometimes devastating energetic change, and then not become swamped by the emotional state, but hold it with patience non judgemental compassion and then decide to see, or choose to try and change it, switch it, to something that serves your being and hence all beings better. A persistent commitment to doing that takes discipline and effort but over time reaps untold benefits.
Enlivening the body and soul through acknowledging feelings in all their abundant magnificence, with compassion. And then letting go of what is not needed instead of holding onto it or fighting with it. Yes the politics of letting go!
This is health activism my friends. Inner and outer work.
Love Peace and Empowerment